Home > politics > “retiring” from activism – probably just venting

“retiring” from activism – probably just venting

oh god so close to just walking away. i want a nice life for myself, and that means self propelled adventuring in the wilds, nerding out with some new learnin’, playing board games, exploring random public transport systems thousands of miles away, watching sunsets over oceans and off mountains, dancing. Not, you’ll notice, attending meetings, running workshops, hearing about new ways we’re all screwed in the world, scary clashes with fascists/police, boring loud marches, leafleting, organising, publicising, stresses and responsibilities of trying to keep groups and spaces together and going.

this is not something i do for fun. activism is not some hobby i picked up because i was bored. my life can easily be full of things i actually enjoy, that bring meaning and wonder and pleasure to my life. no, its something i do because somebody bloody well has to. because lives and communities and the frigging earth we all depend on are being wrecked by sociopathic individuals and systems.

and as if the day-to-day shitness of being involved in politics wasn’t enough, there’s the infighting. the backbiting. the snarking. there’s the lefty men who seem to think consent is irrelevant and assault and rape and talk over and abuse. the sectarianism where people lose sight of the bigger picture and instead just look at whatever organisation or tendency they’ve aligned themselves with. those who pull us into their interpersonal conflicts. who bring (necessary) accountability, transformative justice, safer spaces policies and groups into disrepute by triggering them with what nursery school kids should be able to sort out amongst themselves.

i’m sick of it all. i’m probably sick of half of you, though i also love you, my fellow world weary, fucked by it all, emiserated, burnt out, chumrades. i hate that we come into this, keep at it because of love and humanity and solidarity and care about the wider world and then let the aggro of activism turn us into arseholes to each other. we become traumatised wrecks bitching about those within arms reach. disagreements turn into abuse. scenes become warzones. solidarity turns into negativity.

i have no energy left for trying to make a difference in the world. i still want it, but i probably need a long break. i’m still going at it, but i don’t know how much longer.

don’t really know why i’m writing this. i guess its a useful enough diary kind of thing. maybe by venting i’ll feel better. maybe i’ll read back over this in 6 months and realise i need not just to rebalance my life, but wholescale change it. maybe i’ll read it and pull myself together and think about all those born into warzones, into poverty, the future generations fucked over by climate change and force myself to keep going. i really don’t know. i just know right now i want out.

Categories: politics
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  1. June 13, 2016 at 10:07 pm

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